In my practice over the years, I have watched couples behave toward each other in ways that scream “unhealthy.” Often, these behaviors are the outcome of two mental activities that we define in our dictionaries as “assumption” and “projection.” In this context, the relevant definition of assumption is: “A thing that is accepted as true […]
betrayal
Lying While Cycling: Do Liars Change?
Big Stakes Question: Will I ever be able to trust you again? Lies, a pattern of lying, finally exposed and then at last a forced coming clean; what does any of that mean? Frankly there is no more powerful issue in couples therapy – in all interpersonal linkages, than this question: Do liars change? Lance […]
The Affair: A Symptom of Marriage Rot or A Rotten Spouse?
Affairs Come In Colors: Not all infidelities look alike. The red-hot mega-media adulteries are not the prototype for most unfaithful Coupledoms. The shades of color for the common household variety of betrayal are in grays, not black, white or red-hot. Yet folks on either side of the betrayal highway feel more comfortable thinking in black, […]
50% Of Us Is Done: Marriage Over?
The Unfairness Factor: One of the more profoundly emotional experiences in couples work is watching the demise of a Coupledom when only one of the partners is “done.” The spouse who wants to keep the marriage alive is outnumbered. Yes outnumbered because it only takes 50% of the vote to emotionally dissolve the marriage. How […]
What Is The Media Doing To Our Marriages?
The Famous Unfaithful: A couple recovering from an infidelity described being rattled by the constant news reports of the famous unfaithful. The upside of the battering ram of infidelity reminders is that the husband is regretful and pained by his actions, which bolsters his commitment to working on his marriage. His wife sees his struggle […]
What Are The Daughters Thinking? DSK, Schwarzenegger, Clinton
Imagine: Can anyone imagine DSK’s lunch with his daughter 17 minutes after he left the Sofitel Hotel and his encounter with a hotel housekeeper? Whatever that moment was in the Sofitel, DSK shifted to dad mode within minutes of being “someone else.” His daughter Camille is a 25-year-old Columbia University graduate student. After her dad’s […]
Addressing “Married, with Infidelities” within The Coupledom
Taking a break from taking a break, I couldn’t resist commenting on a very interesting article in the magazine section of today’s NY Times, Married, With Infidelities, by Mark Oppenheimer, who writes the Beliefs column. (Especially in the light of all the recent conversation about infidelity surrounding former NY Congressman Anthony Weiner and his Sexting escapades, […]
Levels Of Betrayal: I Did Not Have Sex(t) With That Woman
Defining Betrayal: The over-active Anthony Weiner, whose nimble fingers have twittered him into some pretty deep you know what, has added a new twist to the ever popular presidential pronouncement, “I did not have sex with that woman.” What is infidelity and what grade are these men in when they come up with their personal […]
Owning Your Stuff Builds Coupledom Trust
Trust Busters: There are ample ways to mar and maim belief in someone’s regard for you. Trust marring can be as fleeting as overhearing a derisive comment about you, or as weighty as discovering romantic texts and hotel charges. Like the derma that covers our organs, we have muslin-like layers of protection covering our emotions; […]
The Affair: No Moralizing Here
Before; After; Not Yet; Never: Whatever your grouping of the moment, this read is for you. In today’s New York Times Modern Love Column, Wendy Plump pens an honest, metaphorically incisive depiction of an affair in The Coupledom. Having played both sides of it, Ms. Plump knows her stuff. No Moralizing Here? Are you already squeamish […]
Jealousy, Envy and The Coupledom: What’s Love Got To Do With It?
Envy=2; Jealousy=3: One simple method of distinguishing jealousy from envy is numeric. Jealousy always involves a third participant, real or imagined. Envy only needs two to do the dance. Both emotions can unsettle The Coupledom. Wikipedia: That green-eyed monster: Aristotle (in Rhetoric) defined envy (φθόνος phthonos) “as the pain caused by the good fortune of others”,[10][11] while Kant defined […]
Dodging The Bullock Bullet: Why Do Women Marry Philanderers?
Philander: Readily or frequently enter into casual sexual relationships with women (Oxford College Dictionary, 2007). Philanderer, informal definition: Womanizer. What Were They Thinking? Sandra Bullock and Norris Church Mailer, sixth wife of Norman Mailer, and author of the newly published Ticket To The Circus reviewed in Sunday’s New York Times both married men with known […]
“Love Means Never Having To Say You’re Sorry”: Excuse Me?
The Healing Power of Remorse: In the 1970 movie, “Love Story”, the line “Love means never having to say you’re sorry” became universally famous. The movie, based on the eponymous book by Erich Segal, popularized the concept, furthered bolstered by the pop psychology of the era, that true love required an unconditional acceptance of the […]