Comments for The Couples Tool Kit

Comment on The Poison Sex Dart: Objectifying Love by Jill Edelman M.S.W., L.C.S.W

Jill Edelman M.S.W., L.C.S.W — Sat, 15 Jun 2013 03:10:25 +0000

Your honest self-inquiry and sharing scores lots of points with me.

Comment on The Poison Sex Dart: Objectifying Love by Walter Donway

Walter Donway — Sat, 15 Jun 2013 02:37:15 +0000

This is such an eloquently written and insightful post. Confession: my wife sent it to me, and asked me to read it. You make a valid point about so much idealized sex, idealized sense, and excessive sex being easy for us to see–and covet. I do have one thought, or, properly, reaction, which is this: Could it be women who are most focused on “objectifying sex”–on looking around them and asking why they are not enjoying more foreplay, intimacy, partners at the peak of fitness? Why do I ask this? To shift the blame to women? I don’t think so. Like most men, I have had a certain number of relationships–I would guess less than most men–and the trajectory of my passion in a relationship has become painfully evident because it is so simple. I am most excited when I am seducing the woman, making my conquest, experiencing the sense of “taking her.” As she becomes complaisant, accepting, and I become accustomed to my “right,” my level of interest plunges. In my experience, at least, it isn’t a more glamorous woman, a younger woman; it is simply ANOTHER woman. I am aware that I could invoke evolutionary psychology, here, arguing from the drive to disseminate my seed–and, for all I know, that is what is going on. But, as I experience it, it is simply the unrepeatable excitement of conquest, being accepted by a woman, affirming myself as a man. What I don’t know, is the answer to this: Is my pattern attributable to my psychology or attributable to masculine self-doubt, lack of self-esteem, which drives me to attempt to prove over and over again that I am acceptable as a man. Personally, I always have assumed it was the latter. Well, this is a mere footnote to your excellent article and I thank you for the stimulus to think.

Comment on Fusion Confusion: Fighting for Identity in The Coupledom by Jill Edelman M.S.W., L.C.S.W

Jill Edelman M.S.W., L.C.S.W — Fri, 17 May 2013 12:40:38 +0000

Interesting approach and makes sense when the “giving up” doesn’t feel like surrender but rather, “what am I fighting for anyway?” and that “one-upmanship” if that were the goal, is no goal at all in the collaborative life.

Comment on Fusion Confusion: Fighting for Identity in The Coupledom by Barbara

Barbara — Fri, 17 May 2013 11:31:51 +0000

My observation:.the more you give up, the less you have to..
Then the one-upmanship is invalidated….virtually dissipates on its own.

Comment on Fusion Confusion: Fighting for Identity in The Coupledom by Jill Edelman M.S.W., L.C.S.W

Jill Edelman M.S.W., L.C.S.W — Thu, 16 May 2013 22:42:59 +0000

Great insight. If nothing is truly nothing, than why draw “blood?”

Comment on Fusion Confusion: Fighting for Identity in The Coupledom by Letty

Letty — Thu, 16 May 2013 22:13:24 +0000

I loved the “fighting about nothing is no substitue for talking about something”. But mostly we fight about nothing and have to realize that means resolving “nothing” won’t translate into anything more. So we have to negotiate the “nothing” bloodlessly.

Comment on Strangers On The Couch: Couples Therapy by Jill Edelman M.S.W., L.C.S.W

Jill Edelman M.S.W., L.C.S.W — Sat, 16 Mar 2013 02:24:36 +0000

Kim, thank you for that citation of Daniel Goleman’s work and connecting it with our work. How little of our potential for emotional intelligence is tapped in our typical educational experience, or in our family life, in our society as a whole. Thank you for underscoring its importance and that it truly can work.

Comment on Strangers On The Couch: Couples Therapy by kim

kim — Fri, 15 Mar 2013 23:42:37 +0000

Reading the paragraph Skillful Love took me back almost twenty years ago to my introduction of the book by Daniel Goleman “Emotional Intelligence.” Remembering well the nursery school director encouraging all the parents to borrow it and read it. She knew then the importance of his message.

My curiosity and memories from all those years ago lead me to search for the book. I came across a blog written by Mr. Goleman on the subject of emotional intelligence. The book was published in 1995 and the blog written in 2005. A new way of thinking about the ingredients of life success, Mr. Goleman says electrified him. SEL (social and emotional learning) in 2005 was being offered to children in dozens of countries. Illinois set these specific standards, “ In the early elementary years students should learn to recognize and accurately label their emotions and how they lead them to act. By the late elementary years lessons in empathy should make children able to identify the nonverbal clues to how someone else feels; in junior high they should be able to analyze what creates stress for them or what motivates their best performance. And in high school the SEL skills include listening and talking in ways that resolve conflicts instead of escalating them and negotiating for win-win solutions.” The article goes on to state the improvement children showed in achievement scores as a benefit from the SEL program. Attendance rates rose, misbehavior dropped and GPA averages greatly improved.

Mr. Goleman made this statement: “Perhaps the biggest surprise for me has been the impact of EI in the world of business, particularly in the areas of leadership and employee development (a form of adult education). The Harvard Business Review has hailed emotional intelligence as “a ground-breaking, paradigm-shattering idea,” one of the most influential business ideas of the decade.”

There is irony here for me. Given the work we have done which would is fair to say is very much emotional intelligence and the success of the academic work that I have done as of late, there is little doubt of the dramatic impact EI has on ones brain. The irony here is the timing of your blog with the mention of EI and the timing of my academia.

The ingredients, Mr. Goleman said, of life success. Whether it be my coupledom or my newest academic venture, I couldn’t agree more. Proof it’s never too late.

Comment on Great Couples Therapy: Takes Muscle by Jill Edelman LCSW

Jill Edelman LCSW — Thu, 28 Feb 2013 01:54:59 +0000

This is beyond my expertise. Perhaps if they have some really solid hobbies?

Comment on Great Couples Therapy: Takes Muscle by kim

kim — Thu, 28 Feb 2013 01:47:02 +0000

Okay, so I was looking for the perfect blog to post my question, which I will in a second. I came across this one, well after reading it and getting very emotional I decided this was the right place.

Multimillonaire Dennis Tito wants to send a mature couple ( no young couples because of the threat of too much radiation) to Mars in 2018. A couple because of the close confines for the 501 day trip, and his thinking is who else could be this close for this long and make the adjustment.

Here’s the question. Is any couple really capable of this mission???

Just curious. FYI, it won’t be me.