Me/Us? Personal identity, the self-defining kind, helps us to make the big life choices such as college, career, mate, when to breed, as well as small ones such as shoe selection, hair color and movies. Each time we say yes or no to something, we are giving off a whiff of who we are. When [...]
Communication
Strangers On The Couch: Couples Therapy
Written by Jill Edelman M.S.W., L.C.S.W.In Translation: “Let me introduce you to your mate.” This is what I would like to say to my patients “on the couch” more often than not. Have you met before? I feel as if my job as their therapist is to be translator, interpreter, facilitator and teacher to two people who at times speak [...]
Spotlight on The Heart: Valentine’s Day
Written by Jill Edelman M.S.W., L.C.S.W.What’s Tough About February 14? Besides the possibility of being caught in a winter blizzard, February 14 is the one day a year when the cultural spotlight aims its beams of light on the heart of the relationship. How soft, flattering or harsh the light feels, depends on the health of that heart, year to [...]
Tidying Up The Holiday Mess: The Coupledom Hangover
Written by Jill Edelman M.S.W., L.C.S.W.Blight on the New Year: The ornaments are boxed, the ball has dropped and the seasonal remains of the day have been put away yet there remains some unwanted detritus from the holiday past. Those sticky, hard-to-get-off-the-soles-of-your shoes type of goo where some clash or alienation has occurred, either within the Coupledom or between the Coupledom [...]
Tone, Look, Word (TLW): Stop the Poison Communication
Written by Jill Edelman M.S.W., L.C.S.W.A Volley of Gunfire Or A Conversation: Negative Communications. There are endless reasons why couples find themselves choosing tones, looks and words that insult, mock, tease and demean their partner. Hurt and angry feelings are no strangers to any relationship. The sarcastic tone, rolling eyes, mouth twisted in a smirk, and words that sting, all [...]
Married to Wikipedia: The Evolving Marriage
Written by Jill Edelman M.S.W., L.C.S.W.The Expert: About a decade ago, I worked with a May-December Coupledom, the wife almost twenty years junior to her hubby, who were at a marital crossroads. The images each had originally held of the other were now anachronistic. The husband seemed trapped in the patriarchal position of most knowledgeable, the decider and the protector. [...]
Note To My Ex: What To Do With All That Stuff
Written by Jill Edelman M.S.W., L.C.S.W.Bitter Twitter: On August 22, the highest trending tweet was #NoteToMyEx. Thousands of tweets spewed across the Twitterverse with such as: I can be happy without you and I’m doing so much better then when I was with you. let’s clarify: you were LUCKY to have me. I was the one settling. So shut up. [...]
Sexual Pain Or Impaired Performance: No Shame, No Blame
Written by Jill Edelman M.S.W., L.C.S.W.What Is Not Spoken: As a couples’ therapist I am accustomed to learning from my patients that they have not experienced sexual intimacy for months or years leading up to their visits with me. Numbers of years. What is equally significant is the common admission that paralleling the absence of physical contact has been the [...]
No, You Are The Problem: Finger Pointing in The Coupledom
Written by Jill Edelman M.S.W., L.C.S.W.Easy Enough: Is there anything easier, almost at any age, than pointing your finger at someone? Towards the end of the first year of life, most babies are pointing at something. And in our final days, feeble though we may be, we still have point-ability. No wonder we stay attached to this skill: it is [...]
Personalize This! The Coupledom’s Achilles Heel
Written by Jill Edelman M.S.W., L.C.S.W.The Common Malady: In human interaction, and this may be a character trait unique to our species, there is a tendency to perceive the behaviors and verbalization of others in personal terms, understood as reflecting an attitude, belief or feeling that is about “me”, because of me, or in relationship to me. This tendency of [...]