Lying While Cycling: Do Liars Change?

Big Stakes Question: Will I ever be able to trust you again? Lies, a pattern of lying, finally exposed and then at last a forced coming clean; what does any of that mean? Frankly there is no more powerful issue in couples therapy – in all interpersonal linkages, than this question: Do liars change? Lance Armstrong, the current standard bearer, poster boy for living the lie, is a complex character who fought a lethal cancer, created philanthropies, is beloved by at least one of his five children (according to his Oprah interview) and yet excelled in extensive lying over a decade that smeared the reputations of friends (whom he went after with a vengeance) and created a model of success that youngsters all over the world revered that was based on one truth only, that he was lying while cycling, all the way. Is he any different than other famous liars or the liar in your bedroom or boardroom? Can liars ever be trusted again?

Reality Testing? Though this is a couples blog, infidelity is not the only form of lying that impacts trust between two people in an intimate relationship. There are the Bernie Madoffs and Lance Armstrongs of the world whose professional lives are based on a lie. These lies also embroil others in their web, many unknowingly. And impact others. One of Madoff’s sons killed himself. Lance Armstrong’s five children, most still very young, are about to find out that Daddy is the biggest fraud in professional sports ever! Where will their reality testing tools go now? The moral compass? People in the middle of their addictions lie all the time to cover up anything from where all the money went to why they were out until four in the morning to who stole mom’s engagement ring. Active in your addiction? You’re lying for sure. If your addiction is to keep up a falsehood about your accomplishments, you lie daily to maintain that falsehood.

A Model of Artifice: And the defense against accusers, personal or otherwise, is to claim that they are the liars. Or they misunderstand or are motivated by jealousy, competition or prejudice. Any number of explanations that make one wonder, “Well, maybe they are right.” Because artful liars lie with conviction. Reality falls into the hands of a master sculptor who is skillful in reshaping another’s reality to match their model of artifice.

Safeguarding The Lie: I am not a cyclist nor a sports informed individual but I am a student of character and I was spellbound while watching Armstrong being interviewed by Oprah, at how delusional he was during and still is to a great extent, throughout his decade of lying. That he could keep up this pace of deceit, attack his accusers and somehow land on his feet is stunning. And how similar this behavior is to all chronic liars everywhere. They share the delusion that their lie is protected and worthy of sustaining at all costs. And that the act of reversing course sooner and coming clean is so much worse than maintaining an existence of falsehood which requires a lot of energy, backtracking, and yes, eyes looking over the shoulder to check if something suspicious fell off the back of the lying bus of their life. What about all the people close to them who believe the lie? They are the true victims. At all costs throw them under the bus. Safeguarding the lie is the goal, not maintaining the trust that others hold in them. Is this sociopathy, folks who have a defective conscience, a deficit that rests in a part of the brain? Studies indicate that there may be some genetics here. Or is it trauma in childhood that leads to overarching ambition, knee-jerk lying or some kind of social learning defect that prevents the liar from evaluating consciously the cost to self and especially to others of the lie?

Temporary or Permanent Liar: Most of the lying I am privy to resides with the couple who is faced with the irreversible evidence that one of them has maintained a sexually intimate relationship for a period of time outside their bond. The fact of a love betrayal is only part of the trauma. That someone else became the partner in bed often involved daily or weekly lies about where someone was, what they were doing and why. The most banal aspects of daily life become the toxic details of betrayal. Were you putting gas in the car, caught in a traffic jam, working late or meeting with a former boss? No, you were with them. And strangely enough infidelities are not the only lies that poison trust in The Coupledom. Nope, the Armstrong/Madoff lies tamper with trust as much and perhaps more than sexual infidelities. There are the lies that cover addictions and simple dalliances that pollute trust. What is most undermining for the recipient of these lies is that their reality is spun all about, like a DJ’s turntable, topsy-turvy, undermined traumatically when the deception is revealed, leaving dirty nicotine like stains of humiliation and self doubt that don’t wash off: “how was I that stupid” “under my nose” “what’s wrong with me?” that necessitate the rebuilding of the self. The damage to the heart is only one part of the toll of living with a liar. The other is the damage to self-worth, self-respect, self-image, self-confidence, you name it. The self of the lied to is shattered for quite a long time. “What an idiot I was to trust you. I feel like such a fool. Duped.” And this blow to the self is not limited to infidelity. Being a partner, even unwittingly, to a fraudulent life, is to feel like a fraud.

Do Liars Change: The couple sits in my office. One member says they are changed, repentant and the other partner says, “How can I be sure?” Both have a responsibility here. The partner who lied has to be evaluated in very concrete ways. For how long did the lie go on? Was this the first lie or a history of lies? When did lying begin in your life? Why did you lie? The other partner has to ask questions too. Why didn’t I know? Was I choosing not to know? Did my partner try to tell me something but I refused to hear it? Did others? Where was I? Was I an accomplice, as Armstrong’s wife may have been, or perhaps more like Madoff’s wife, someone who benefited from not knowing? Did ambition undo me too? Or was I just so sure that the person I thought was my partner would never do this to me so I never even allowed myself to consciously wonder why there were so many unexplained moments? Or did I wonder but never asked because I didn’t want to have to deal with the consequences? Where did we get all this money? Why are your friends no longer your friends? Did I collaborate in the lie? Self-deception wreaking havoc on the self. Do liars change? It depends on who the liar is. How entrenched is the lying habit? (As with Armstrong, don’t hold your breath on that one.)

A Character Analysis: When you share your life with a liar, you are tainted by their lies. When their lies are revealed, both your character traits and those of the lying partner need intensive analysis and scrutiny, but the work together is only worthwhile if something of value in the relationship remains. And if the liar is complex in good ways too. I would personally avoid couples therapy with either a Madoff or an Armstrong except to give my voice the integrity and dignity of being heard in their presence. Can one discriminate between a chronic liar and a circumstantial liar where acute pressures or childhood trauma provided a context in which lying became a temporary device for survival? And even then, can the habit of lying be unlearned? If you tell a Nazi that no one in fact is being hidden in your attic, aren’t you a good liar, a liar for good? But if you have to lie for years and years to survive, is the lying brand permanent? Caution: do not make the effort to help extricate the liar from his or her web, so they can become the trustworthy partner you wish them to be, without professional help. And most significant of all, to the recipient of the lies, the primary goal is to find a means to re establish (or to establish for the first time) a trust in their perceptions, their reality; not to be bullied out of, dismissed, mocked or belittled out of the perceptions that constitute their hold on reality. Develop or sharpen tools of character assessment that may have been sadly absent. No relationship is worth maintaining at the cost of one’s self-trust.

©Jill Edelman, M.S.W., L.C.S.W. 2013

10 Responses to “Lying While Cycling: Do Liars Change?”

  1. kim

    What about how long ago the lie/lies were told? Decades in between. Then and now. Reinforcement that lies work or are worth it? Forgiveable ever?

    Is the avoidance of the truth a lie? Those around you know the truth but keep it to themselves. To spare you. Or to protect themselves.

  2. patty patterson

    loved this one as we have been lied to so many times by the addict. Anna is in a wonderful rehab and seems so committed and determined. We have gone for family day, the first contact in 6 months, and we both feel we have come a very long way. We are so hopeful that this is truly going to work especially since she has decided to have the baby. Will talk to you soon, Patty

  3. Jill Edelman LCSW

    Dear Readers,

    The author of this post gave me permission to use her insights:

    Thank you again for another insightful article. I am always amazed at the degree to which some ‘believers’ put these liars on a pedestal even in the face of insurmountable evidence of their guilt. I believe there is something in the culture that promotes this type of ‘lie ’til you die’, then throw yourself at the mercy of the American public who seem to have an appetite for this stuff. Do Americans just love the spectacle of the ‘confessor’ when he is caught? Does it have something to do with the ‘love of the repentant sinner’ that is all part of the American fabric? I don’t have the answers, I know, but as an observer I find it both revealing and disturbing.

  4. Laney

    I am going to therapy by myself since my boyfriend is a chronic liar from so much childhood trauma. I suggested he seek help, but I know he won’t and anyway, it won’t help much if he can’t see the value and benefit of it.

    Hopefully therapy will help me to leave him because I have very low self-esteem, just like he does, but I’m so tired of living like this, of always picking the same type of men.

    Thank you so much for this article, I know now that probably there isn’t hope for us, love alone won’t help on this one :(

  5. Gus A

    Been married for 20 years, my wife has been cheating from start,
    My kids had a notion 2 years ago, didn’t want to tell me because the knew the consequences of the truth. We just went on vacation and they told me afterwards. My kids ages 14,16,22
    I trusted like no other.
    My wife is super soft and sweet, my heart is torn. Kids can’t look at her.
    Found eveidence of multiple men and liaisons. She has no moral fabric.

    • Jill Edelman M.S.W., L.C.S.W

      Dear Gus, Knowing the truth, heartbreaking as it is, is the first step in moving the whole family forward. Courage and seeking help to navigate the next chapter are
      needed. Thank you for sharing this.

  6. Amanda W.

    My husband is a chronic liar and may be emotionally abusive,I don’t know yet.

    I was 22, he was 35 when we met. After a week of dating he told me he loved me and that without me he would be dead. I left my current boyfriend for him. He told me he had a vasectomy ( ignored my gut) and that he had cancer. Both lies. Many more lies to come. He would yell at me if I brought something up about his behavior. He got arrested for drunk driving. I went to pick him up from jail and he yelled at me “ what why are you so mad”.

    I became pregnant. We got married. 6 months into our marriage he told me he had gambled everything away.Said he was upset about his father passing and he did it to feel close to him ( they would gamble together).

    He had told me that I need to be happy then we can work on things and be happy. I feel so confused after our fights. He always says to me ‘ what is your problem’ in front of the kids and it makes me upset. I told him it is inappropriate to speak to me like that and he denied saying it,telling me that I didn’t remember correctly. When he apologizes it’s ‘ I’m sorry but I think you took it the wrong way’ or ‘ I’m sorry but it’s not my fault you feel that way’. I’m going crazy and I feel guilty for making him feel bad when I bring things up.The days after we have a fight he’s leaving me notes everywhere, doing extra housework.Then it stops.Its a constant cycle. He says he will work on things,it never happens. Theres just so many things and I’m emotionally exhausted. He said that when we first met he didn’t want me to leave my current boyfriend. All he wanted was for me to be his friend because I didn’t know him and he could be anything he wanted. He said he told me he loved me so early so that I would have sex with him.

    He’s a past addict. He can’t keep a job and he hates wherever he works because the boss is too demanding or his coworker bugs him.

    Iive disconnected myself emotionally for my mental health.
    I’m done. I don’t know what to do. We now have two beautiful daughters but I would never want them to be in this kind of relationship.

    I just need advice. I feel like I’m overreacting and expecting to much. I feel alone.

    • Jill Edelman M.S.W., L.C.S.W

      Dear Amanda,
      I apologize for not seeing this when you sent it. You are correct, this is a cycle which will likely keep going. Al anon is the best free resource for folks in a relationship with someone with addictive behaviors and history. The support and guidance from peers is a touchstone and foundation for whatever steps you need to take going forward. If your husband is willing to seek help too for his behaviors, then you two could see a couples therapist or he can reach out as well to a support group.

      Be active in getting help. Don’t let his attempts to deny your reality and induce false guilt delay you. You need regular support and reality testing from objective others.



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